the dilemma of humanity
people are just hard to love.
they over-react or they just don't care enough.
they hover too much or they're not supportive.
they laugh too loudly or they have no sense of humor.
they are too imposing or they ask for too much.
they gush or they're unappreciative.
they're too sensitive or they just don't get it.
they're stubborn or they have no convictions.
they rush through things or they take too long.
they bear grudges or they never remember anything.
or maybe we're just hard to please.
many waters
the dreams keep coming. though each has its unique details, a common
thread runs through them. in them i am drowning, desperately wanting to
get my head above the surface of the water, knowing i can, yet somehow
not seeming to be able to. i am deeply disturbed by my situation,
wanting to get out of it, struggling against it, and yet some part of
me is enjoying it; it has a strange familiarity that is comforting, and
i wonder if i am indeed here by choice, not quite the victim i assumed
myself to be.
i never quite remember how they end. things either go
back to normal suddenly or i wake up and the watery world disappears,
but always i survive. i am never the victor though; there is never a
sense of triumph, never a successful reemerging from the waters closed
in on me. is it because i struggled only half-heartedly that i miss
savoring the moment when i start breathing again? or is because i
secretly enjoyed being underwater, enjoyed being held down, enjoyed
being made helpless?
even in my dreams, underwater, i question. and
when i wake i am no wiser, only once more newly convinced that i have
finally left the waters behind.
realization
the gaze i thought so laced with love
in reality was full of fear.
"there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear..." - 1 john 4:18
return
thank you
for not forgetting me
that i may come back
and take my place
not too removed
from where it was
before i left
thank you
for making room
for how i've changed
yet recognizing still
how i am just
the same
thank you
then
for holding my hand
and now
for walking beside me
your step
keeping in time with mine
though our strides
be different
thank you
for seeing the important
and precious ties
that bind across time
and space
and difference
thank you.
work in progress
if you like what you see
take me as i am
but let it be known
this isn't all of me
if you take me as i am
you'll slowly come to see
the parts of me
that aren't always shown
the bad along with the good
things you never thought you'd see
but if you want to come inside
then take all of me
you can't see the entire hand
before placing your bet
but if you risk nothing you'll never win
take me as i am.
show me
an ankle is so easily turned
like a mind so easily changed
or a heart so easily swayed
by a pothole
or an argument
or a charm.
what is there in this life
that is constant and steadfast
except day changing into night
or season following season
or the tide rising even as it falls
or the silent sound of darkness
as i sit in my room
looking out.
the rose
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose
- bette midler, the rose
make me alive, make me confused
what do you do with a shared memory that can no longer be treasured for its "sharedness"?
can you tease apart the different components that make up a memory,
make it something special and worth remembering, so that you can retain
its pleasure without it tying you to the past?
but isn't the whole point of memory to take a ride back to the past, dwell for a moment in what used to be?
what if you don't want to revisit that place, and yet find your mind drifting there? which is truer, your subconscious or your rational mind?
well, confusion is a part of being alive. and the heart, though
deceitful beyond all else, is also resilient above all else. and it's
amazing how you don't need all the answers before you start healing
(thank God too!).
it doesn't mean the questions don't still press, the wondering doesn't still remain, the anger doesn't still linger somewhere close to the surface. but more and more the answers don't matter so much anymore, the "why"s are more easily left to a higher wisdom, the move to forgiveness comes more readily.
is this what becoming adult is about?
